Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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