Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
It's rum buckets o'clock
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
