Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Randomize
