There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
