By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Don't make out with my wife yet
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
