New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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