i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
