Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
