If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
