he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
