i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
