Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Randomize
