They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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