I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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