I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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