he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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