id be glad to
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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