3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
