My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Ketchup is God's man juice
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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