i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
