He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
