I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
