apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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