You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
