Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
