You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
