I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
you didnt know i had herpes?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
