I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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