you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
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