I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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