My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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