i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
