i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
