i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
