the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Green mimosas i think yes
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
