I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
