i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
