You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
