You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Randomize
