I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
