I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
