i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
