Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
