Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
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