I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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