I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
