her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
