you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
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