No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
