Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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