i jhust puked up my retainher.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
