I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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