drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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